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Primeval (Revised)

PrimevalWhen lightning split the locust treeand half of her trunksank into watershe was left to landmark timeand invoke the suns craftof bleaching raw timber.Branches skimmed the currentwhite and...

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Re: Primeval (Revised)

gwendrina, i really admire this piece. kept wondering, though -- the heron being a "scribe" -- if the ending should not refer to some thought or phrase he might draw from the experience. or,...

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Re: Primeval (Revised)

Wendy, i keep tripping up on the end. is it the bird or the skeletal remains that is the scribe?

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Re: Primeval (Revised)

Hi JimThis piece has always seemed unfinished to me, couldn't pinpoint why exactly but your insightful and keen observation, here, really puts it into focus. Yes, I can see your point and thank you so...

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Re: Primeval (Revised)

hey wendy i like this one...but think the ending's still not quite there.the new one tells too much while the earlier one prob doesn't give enough.personally, i'd try to convey that thought again...

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Re: Primeval (Revised)

Hi Rayyes, you are making perfect sense and I can see clearly what you are getting at. "The scribe and message" are a bit over-the-top and too blunt. Something more subtle must be developed. Thanks...

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Re: Primeval (Revised)

sensing somehowthat his raucous cry is no more eloquentthan the silence of treesand that all of art , written in feather or leaf,can only witness our falling apart(something like that, maybe)

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Re: Primeval (Revised)

JimThat's definitely a thought, lovely and compelling impression. Thanks for helping to steer me in a good direction. I appreciate that so much.my bestWendy

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Re: Primeval (Revised)

my meager offering:Her extinct lookdrew interest from the heron.A scribe poised in thought,the bird drying his sleek,blue tunic, anchored himselfto the skeletal ruin.

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Re: Primeval (Revised)

H Deirdre,Thanks so much for your version of how to conclude this poem. Certainly not a meager attempt. Your idea is interesting, especially the rearrangement of lines and thought.My bestwendy

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Re: Primeval (Revised)

love your intricate language. and the fullness of the presence you describe. i like the revision better. now it ends fully there.regardsedenfree E-bookNavel Orange

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Re: Primeval (Revised)

EdenThanks so much for reading and commenting on this piece. I have received some wonderful insight and suggestions from the talented folks here and I am going to still work on this. It is not quite...

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